Glee

Harmonies.  Everybody loves them.  From the Beach Boys to Queen and every genre in between.  (Heh, that rhymed…)  Being able to sing in harmony however, is a completely different story.  Most people will end up making a song sound more  like a Humpback Whale’s mating ritual, rather than Bohemian Rhapsody.  Enter Glee an app made by the geniuses at Smule.  The capabilities of this app are truly astounding.  You can be as tone deaf as Roseanne Barr belting out the national anthem but you need have no fear. This app not only harmonizes your voice in three part harmony, but it also has pitch correction!  You can sing along with songs karaoke style, either through in app purchases of available songs, or you can access your iTunes library. You can also do my personal favorite: a capella style.

You can either have the app automatically detect what key you are singing in, or it will detect it by your first note.  This helps maintain that the harmonies fit perfectly.   When I first started singing into it I felt like I should be covering Imogen Heap’s song “Hide and Seek” but soon I began to compose harmonic gems about epic farts and my pubes being a clown wig.  Songs destined to top the charts should I ever decide to release them.

There’s multiple other bonuses to this app however.  For those who dare to publish their harmonic masterpieces you can upload your songs, email them to friends, and even listen to others creations worldwide.  Also, if you so dare, some people even request that you sing along with them and you can add your own harmonies to theirs.

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With all the amazing capabilities of this app I am personally amazed that it is only $.99.  So what are you waiting for? Click any of the above pictures and download it from the iTunes store today, and you too can create your own epic, harmony  enriched ballad.  I’ll be off to do that soon myself.  I’ve got a great idea for a song that entails my dog, peanut butter, and shame.

PipeKeys- Uilleann Bagpipes Keyboard in D

I’m of Irish decent so therefore the love of bagpipes is genetically ingrained into my soul.  Playing them however proves to be a completely different story.  Enter PipeKeys.  A genius named Michael Eskin at Tradlessons.com has captured all the beauty and tonality of the bagpipes in several different available apps.  I chose to download and review this particular one.  The sounds are recorded from his own 3/4 set Uilleann pipes and are ridiculously high quality.  No need to black out from an oxygen deprived coma either because  it plays like a keyboard so you have the easiest way to play a bagpipe available.

While I will never be able to live up to the legendary piping of my good friend Neil Anderson and his epic skills in Rathkeltair, this app lets me dream that for even a second I might come close.

If you love bagpipe music as much as I do then shoot me a comment and I would love to direct you to some of the most epic bagpipe and celtic bands ever known. Until then, Slainte’.

Back in my much younger years I fancied myself to be a rock star.  But let’s face it, this takes talent, hard work, and often times joining up with a group of douchebags who always manage to piss you off by either stealing your cigarettes, drinking all your beer, or just plain opening up there gaping holes and spouting out idiocy.  I lack the first two attributes, and go out of my way to avoid the third so what was I to do?  That’s right.  Enter the iPhone.

ThumbJam

This is hands down my absolute favorite app on my iPhone.  Created by the Gods at Sonosaurus, this gem is essential for all musicians.  Don’t despair however,  if the only musical talent you possess is the ability to belch the “Star Spangled Banner”, or fart on beat to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face.”  This app will have you sounding like you have the talent of Yngwie Malmsteen in seconds.  The sound quality of all the instruments is mind blowing, then add the fact that Jordan Rudess the quintessential keyboard player for Dream Theater has contributed a couple of his own sounds to the mix should have you convinced that this app is one bad-ass mutha fucka.  You get over 30 high-quality real instruments and hundreds of included scales plus there are even more sounds and loops you can download for FREE!.  The app sells for $6.99 in the app store, and if you’re like me who has become “that guy” who bitches if an app is over $.99, trust me on this one, I would pay 100 times more than that for only half of what this app does.   ThumbJam contains so many features it would be impossible for me to include them all here so to immerse yourself in the sheer badassedness of this app and all of it’s amazing features you must check out their website.

LaDiDa

Always wanted to put music to those creative lyrics you wrote about all your pent up teenage angst, or about that girls “big juicy booty?”  Well look no further my friends, this app  uses some ridiculously advanced technology to do just that!  I’ll admit I was tentative at first in viewing it’s $2.99 price tag (as stated above, I can be a real cheap-o when it comes to buying apps) but this app is worth every penny, and then some.  Don’t worry if when you sing it sounds like a flock of geese getting anally impaled by a tuba either, because this app also offers pitch correction.   Just open it up, hit the red record button and start your warbling.

It gives you several different “styles” for the background music.  These include: E Piano Pop, Rhythm Synth Pop, Dub Tone, Underground Rap, Tasty Breaks Rap, and Dirty South Rap. I hope in the future they will include more but for right now, I promise these won’t disappoint.  Especially if you’re using the app the same way I am….to be an idiot.

Once you have recorded your masterpiece you can listen to it in each of the different styles listed above.  Then you can save it to your own personal library of songs:

From there, feel free to A) Listen to it over and over again B) Post it to your Facebook news feed, or a friends Facebook wall C) Post it to your Twitter account D) Post it to Ladida.me so perfect strangers can hear your epic anthem or E) Email it as a link or an attachment.

So go ahead and free your creative juices with no need to possess even a minute inkling of some sort of skill or talent.  Ladida will take care of you.

These are just two of several apps I have stumbled upon that allow you to unleash the musically creative beast trapped inside of you  or at the very least apps that will keep you and all your drunken friends entertained when you grow bored watching streaming movies on Netflix.

Check back in a few days when I review the Glee app and a seriously awesome app called PipeKeys….til then.

I can’t stop you from ending the holiday looking like this,

but I can provide you with salvation from the always inevitable moment of, “My fucking relatives are psychotic fucks…when will this fuckin’ holiday ever end so they can go back to fuckin’ crazy town, or wherever the fuck they live!?!?” Enter the iPhone. That’s right, once again the magical powers of this blessed device can help. I recommend these apps to help you make it through the holiday:

Turkey Tumble

The premise of this game is simple. Throw cranberry sauce cans at the deliciously succulent bird and make him land on the platform below without falling off the ledge. It doesn’t get any more holiday spirited than that. The graphics are pretty decent and the free version gives you 18 awesome levels of good ‘ol turkey assault. I personally like to relieve stress just by chucking the can directly at his head. A perfect way to escape having to explain to Aunt Sue why you’re still in community college for the 6th year.

Free Turkey Call

The developers of this app say that this is a must-have for those who are out hunting turkeys or if you want to annoy someone with the sound of turkeys. Bingo! This app features eleven different turkey sounds.  (I had no idea that turkey vocabulary was so richly diverse.) The sounds are well recorded and can either be played once or looped to play over and over again.  Listed above each call is also a little blurb on how the call sounds and what the turkey call is used for.  I propose two incredibly satisfying uses for this app:

 1) The moment your family’s chosen carver slices into the bird have your iPhone set to this app, scroll down to gobbling, and let the good times roll.  Feel free to make the turkey gobble with each slice.  I know I will. 

2) When Uncle Bob wants to discuss in grisly detail his recent colonoscopy, set this bad boy on Kee Kee Run, loop it, and block out all the nauseating details.  (Trust me on choosing Kee Kee Run, it is hands down the most annoying turkey vocalization on the app.  You’ll thank me in the end)

Turkey Trot

You just finished sucking down enough food into your gaping hole to feed a third world country.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I always celebrate a Thanksgiving feeding frenzy with a good old-fashioned power dump.  How will I help ease my stool along this holiday season? Playing Turkey Trot.  (I just realized how appropriate this name really is, considering most of us will be playing it while we are experiencing the trots.) This app is Bejeweled meets Thanksgiving, and as we all know Bejeweled kicks ass.  I recommend turning the volume down on this app however, because it does loop the song “Oh, Susannah” over and over again, while it isn’t too terribly annoying I personally wouldn’t want anyone walking by to hear that song playing from the “throne room”.  That could be a wee bit difficult to explain.  

Those are the three apps I will be utilizing the most this holiday.  I hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving.  I know I will, because I will have my iPhone with me  making this holiday just a little brighter.

Just when I thought my life couldn’t get more fucking awesome, it did.  The iPhone is my Jesus, giving me continued salvation in the palm of my hand.  David Hasselhoff  is God and I worship at the Temple of Hoff.  Now the two have merged into one.  Amen:

Ask The Hoff

Fuck the magic 8 Ball.  Enter The Hoff.  I often find myself struggling obsessively over day-to-day decisions.  No more.  Now I am proud to announce that my entire life can easily and effectively be guided by The Hoff.  I wouldn’t want it any other way.  From the moment the app starts up and the glorious gospel choir sings heavenly Hoff praises, you know this app will be your forever guide to all of lifes most daunting choices.  Just shake the app and let one of 30 phrases lead you on the right path.  This is hands down my favorite app I have so far.  Get it now.  Hoff you go then…… 

iKITT

A shadowy flight into the world of a man who does not exist….on your fucking iPhone!  There was no better television show in the 80′s than Knight Rider, and geniuses at Thanatist Software have brought K.I.T.T. back and into the palm of your hand.  The quality of this app is beyond fucking amazing.  Everything from the start of the app, when K.I.T.T.’s lights and sound engage to the stunningly crisp quality of K.I.T.T.’s voice samples send me to boner city.  Landscape mode pulls up K.I.T.T.S.’s dashboard, that thanks to GPS technology, shows your actual driving speed.  Wow! Fucking Wow! Updates are said to include: K.A.R.R. samples, the K.I.T.T. scanner light, randomly timed sample playing, and more! So pull out your pleather jacket and your jeans that are two sizes to small. Mousse up your hair and climb behind the wheel of your 1992 Buick LeSabre and dare to dream that the upholstery isn’t covered in questionable stains and that the headliner isn’t being held up with tacks.  Instead you are Michael Knight, being guided by your crime fighting supercar, K.I.T.T.  It’s gonna be a good day.

iPity

Just read what Mr. T says in the quote above and you know this app is fucking awesome.  What makes it even better? It’s FREE! Sure you have to put up with some annoying advertisement that hangs out on the bottom of your screen…but seriously, who gives a fuck? There are 78 classic phrases from the T man himself… (most of them taken from the A-Team) that are recorded in pretty damn decent quality.  To top things off… the animated Mr T. face opens and closes his mouth as he spouts out some of our favorite and most beloved T-isms. Mr.T-Tastic.

Mr. Poot

Let’s face it, farts are fucking funny.  If they weren’t, there wouldn’t be such a bountiful wealth of fart apps for the iPhone.  Mr. Poot just happens to be one of my favorite ones out there.  The premise is simple: touch any one of the clouds on the screen and hear a different fart sound for each one.  What makes this app so near and dear to my fart obsessed heart?  The farts are all different pitches. They range from a down and dirty, I just ate Salisbury steak, and got a bit of poo splatter on me, to a cute little high-pitched “that wasn’t me that just farted it had to have been the mouse trapped in my rectum that did it”.  Why does this attract me so much?  Fart songs my friends….FART SONGS.  That’s right.  With enough imagination, alcohol, and boredom you can be well on your way to creating a veritable  symphony of flatulence.  Brilliant. 

 Jazz Sculptor

Have you ever been sitting on the toilet and after having read the back of the shampoo bottle 7 times thought to yourself, “Damn, I sure wish I had some wood to carve away at to help ease this stool along…”? Well look no further.  Some geniuses at Phyzios.com have created this brilliant iPhone app that helps feed all your carving desires without the pain in the ass of cleaning up all those bothersome wood shavings afterwards.   Even if you don’t consider yourself a wood sculpting enthusiast rest assured that this app is at the very least stress relieving.  You can hack away at Cedar, Enju, Beech, Magnolia, Katsura, Cherry Tree, Charcoal, Marble, Watermelon, and Pumpkin, all with the swipe of your finger.  I have listed some user-created examples below that are featured on their website:

So stop harvesting your nose gnomes, and put that finger of yours to better, less disgusting desires like creating art.  As for me, I’m going to go settle in on the toilet for a nice, long, brown bread baking session and see just where my creativity takes me.

Ghetto Tweets 

I’ve often thought… “Just what in this fucked up topsy-turvy world would make my life complete?” and I have found it in this app… It translates whatever you type into ebonic (is that still the right term?) ghetto slang… so a tweet as simple as: “I plan on appearing on this fuckin bad ass site every fuckin day! http://www.cursebird.com(it’s good to have goals)”  becomes: “I fuckin plan up on appearing on dis fuckin bad ass site every fuckin dizzay! http://www.cursebird.com(it bangin to have goals)” Not to mention the fact that it also turns all of your friends tweets into gangsta talk…. definitely some entertaining shit….

sidenote: They also have PirateTweets which turns all of your tweets into Pirate slang,(and those of your friends too… )  funny as fuck…but no where near as entertaining to me as Ghetto Tweets…

Pig Fart

That’s right…. fuckin Pig Fart… tap the screen… the pig farts and green gas emits from it’s poop-hole… what more do you need to know?… Makes me giggle like a school girl riding a bike with no seat over speed bumps…

Poop The World

Ooooohhhh yes! This app not only has GPS technology to track exactly what toilet you are defiling BUT it also allows you to describe your poo with such great titles as “Baby Brown Manatee” and smells like: “Citrussy Goodness”  It also allows you to win trophies for your poops, track your tonnage of waste,  tells you how much toilet paper has been consumed…AND you can email it to friends…plus you can compare your magnificent brown baby with others on the website: http://www.pooptheworld.comto see how you match up with the bowels of others…look for me… I am Party Mud..I plan on racking up some serious mutha fuckin stats real soon!

There you go … three more of my absolute favorite apps for my IPhone… trust me…more are coming soon… I feel obligated to my penis to at least be able to share with others the reason why I have been forced to neglect him…

Thank you IPhone for preventing me from going blind, or getting hair on my palms… I love you…..

There is a disgustingly endless amount of things you can do with this remarkable gift from the gods…some of my favorites (meaning ones that I obsessively use every fucking moment of every fucking day) are:

Facebook

It’s bad enough that when I’m home I check my FB every 15 minutes or so.. (god knows I sure as fuck would hate to miss a post about my friends in another state having a “kick-ass BBQ” that I will never be able to attend) but now put it on my iPhone!?!?  Now I check that badboy every 60 mother fucking seconds!!! I’m never going to miss a status update about when my friends put their kids to bed, or how much work sucked for them that day EVER AGAIN!!!

EchoFon

Nothing beats letting all of your followers know that you’re “Headed into work” or that ‘You just had the best egg salad sandwich in the world” …but now to be able to do that from your toilet!?!?! PRICELESS mother fuckers!! priceless!!!

Loopt

The Ultimate Stalker App!  You thought FB and Twitter helped you stalk…er keep track of friends… well with Loopt it actually shows you their geographic location!!! So grab your ski mask…download Loopt.. and get out there and show your obsession…er friends… just how much you care….

Those are just 3 of my favorites… and I have a lot….I have 6 pages of Apps on my iPhone… and the list just keeps on growing… but to be honest with you… I am fucking tired of typing and need to go take a dump and a shower… in that order… (I love the whole shower bidet concept)….  so look for more real soon…